Some swingers find it easy to keep recreational sex and emotions separate. Others find it mildly to extremely difficult. The emotions I am talking about include falling for someone other than your partner romantically, jealousy, envy, feeling neglected, and other emotions that can get in the way of just having fun recreational sex.
Before we get started, let me emphasize that I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist, or even a sex or emotion counselor. I am simply sharing tips and tricks I have learned along the way, and from other swingers about how they keep their emotions separate from recreational sex.
Some emotions are perfectly fine. In fact, having some emotions towards a play partner makes the sex better. It’s when these emotions get too strong and get in the way of your main relationship that they become a problem.
Here are some tips, tricks, and strategies to hopefully help you to keep your emotions out of recreational sex while swinging. Read through these tips, tricks, and strategies and see which ones may benefit you during your adventure in swinging.
Keep Open Communications Between You And Your Partner
This is probably one of the most important tips to help with keeping recreational sex and emotions separate. Always be honest and open with your partner. Have regular conversations about each other’s desires, boundaries, and emotional feelings you may have or had.
Open and honest discussions are a must between partners when exploring sex outside of the relationship. If you feel an emotion for one of your sexual play partners, make sure you discuss it with your partner immediately. Don’t wait until it builds into a very strong emotion.
Have check-ins where the two of you share your emotional feelings, both good and bad, with each other on a regular basis. This allows you to maintain emotional detachment with play partners a lot easier.
Set Very Clear Emotional Boundaries
Sit down with your partner and set explicit guidelines about what is OK as far as emotional involvement with a sexual play partner. This includes discussing what the two of you may need to do if one becomes emotionally attached to another partner outside the relationship.
Some emotions are fine. It’s when the emotions get too strong that you could run into relationship problems. Emotional entanglement should be avoided as early as possible.
Learn To Recognize Emotional Warning Signs
Of course, some emotions are normal and won’t cause problems in your relationship. The strength of emotions is what can cause problems. You both need to be aware of any signs that one of you is forming an emotional attachment to a play partner in the early stages. If you feel your partner is developing feelings for another person, you need to bring it up in a loving discussion as soon as possible.
Having some chemistry with a sexual play partner can make the sexual experience a lot more enjoyable. Just don’t let that chemistry bloom into something that crosses the line.
When you start having an emotion, either good or bad, really think about why you are feeling it. Then discuss the emotion you are feeling with your partner and try your best to understand it.
Some early warning signs you should look out for:
- Thinking about the person frequently.
- Feeling strong sexual desires for another person when you are not with them.
- Wondering what it would be like to be with the other person on long term basis.
- Feeling warm and fuzzy when with another person.
- Sacrificing other plans to be with the other person.
- Wanting to play with just them instead of other sex play partners.
- Wanting to play with a specific person all the time.
Take some time and really research emotional attachment and how to determine if you are falling for someone.
Limit or Avoid Romantic Settings
Romance can trigger deep emotions that can cause your emotions to cross the line. Keep the sex recreational and casual. Don’t have romantic dinners, or other romantic dates. This includes limiting or avoiding intimate outings that can foster emotional connections with a sex play partner other than your partner.
Eliminate or Limit Intimate Acts
One method to help with keeping recreational sex and emotions separate is to eliminate or at least highly limit intimate acts with a play partner. No kissing, deep stares into each other’s eyes, hand holding, cuddling, etc.
If something ignites your romantic fire, limit or eliminate it while playing with someone else besides your partner.
Select Sexual Play Partners Carefully
Only play with sexual play partners who have the same or very similar expectations as you do. Make sure they fully understand that your sexual encounters are strictly recreational and that you have no desire to form any type of emotional relationship.
Do not play with play partners that are looking for a serious relationship.
Focus on the Physical Sexual Pleasure
Emphasize the physical aspect of the sexual encounter rather than any emotional connection. See the sexual encounter for what it is. Recreational sex. Just like playing a game or sport.
Stay Connected With Your Partner at all Times
It’s always going to be best if you maintain a strong emotional connection with your partner by having open conversations about swinging, feelings, and boundaries. But what about during a sexual encounter?
Keep your partner involved in some way through the entire sexual encounter with someone else. Talk about it a little before the encounter, and after the encounter. While you are having sex with another person, make eye contact with your partner from time to time. Wink, blow a kiss, lick your lips, etc. Show them you are having fun and are still thinking about them.
Reach out and touch your partner. Especially while orgasming.
Always remember that the two of you are in the swinger lifestyle together. You are living this type of lifestyle to share experiences with each other. Not 100% separate.
Get Your Partner More Sexually Involved
If you see your partner alone or looking like they are being neglected, figure out some way of getting them involved in the sexual encounter that is going on. It could be as simple as gazing at them while you are having sex with someone else. Or motioning them to join you and the other person in a threesome.
If you are feeling neglected or left out, try to enjoy your partner’s enjoyment through compersion. Watch them and see if you can learn what they are enjoying and what they are not. You could also just go over and touch or caress your partner while they are enjoying sex with someone else.
Limit or Eliminate Separate Room Sex
If you easily get emotions for someone you are having sex with, it is usually best to eliminate or at least highly limit separate room sex. Separate room sex can be a lot more intimate than same room sex with your partner present.
Only Have Same Room Sex
To keep emotions down, it’s usually best to stick to same room sex. It’s even better to have your partner close enough to physically reach out and touch at times.
With same room sex, you and your partner can watch each other having sex with someone else, make eye contact, and even touch your partner from time to time.
Alternate Threesome Types
During a threesome it is easy for one partner to occasionally feel neglected or left out. Especially with straight MFM and FMF threesomes. Less so with MMF or FFM threesomes.
If you do find that you or your partner feels left out or neglected at times, you can always alternate the threesome types you have. One weekend have a MFM threesome and the next weekend have a FMF threesome.
Consider Only Having Group Sex
If either of you get emotionally tangled with someone else easily, it may be best to consider only having group sex or orgies, instead of partner swapping.
During group sex and orgies, you are moving around from sex partner to sex partner. If enough people are in the orgy, you may even lose sight of who you are having sex with or have had sex with.
Group sex and orgies make it a lot easier to concentrate on the recreational fun of the actual sex and make it a lot harder to form emotional attachments to someone while having recreational sex.
Limit or Eliminate Alone Time With a Play Partner
Don’t be alone with a sex play partner. Or at least drastically limit any alone time with them. One-on-one private time can easily bring on attachment emotions a lot more than in a group setting.
Never Play Alone
If you have a tendency to fall for someone while spending time or having sex with them, never play alone. Even if only one partner is going to be having sex with someone else. Always have the other partner there, at least watching the sexual encounter. Only play together.
Limit The Number of Times You Have Sex With a Play Partner
Emotional attachment and feelings for another person usually build over time. You may want to consider only having sex with a play partner a limited number of times. Then it’s goodbye.
If you find that you start developing strong feelings for a sex partner after you have had sex with them several times, you could limit the number of times you have sex with them to two or three.
Always be looking for new sex play partners. The more you have and the less times you have sex with a specific sex play partner the better the chance that you won’t develop deep emotional ties with them.
This goes for couples too. Limit the number of times you play with a specific couple before saying goodbye to them.
Only Have One Night Stands
If you are an extremely emotion driven person, it may be better to just have one-night stands. One and done and then you never see them again.
If you only see someone once, it makes it a lot harder to develop feelings for them. Or eliminate any infatuation feelings you get from having sex with someone for the first time.
No Overnight Sex Play Dates
You may want to limit or just not allow any overnight sex play dates. Sleeping over and spending the night with someone can lead to emotions starting to build. Just have sex, and then everyone goes home.
Rotate Sex Playmates
Have multiple sex playmates. Have sex with one and then not have sex with them until you have had sex with all of your other sex playmates. Keep them in rotation so you are not having sex with the same person or persons over and over. Don’t have any specific play partner on a regular basis. Especially of they are a single male or single female. The more in rotation the better. You are in the swinger lifestyle for recreational sex, right?
Say No to Dating
Don’t date! Just meet your sex play partners for recreational sex and nothing else. Don’t go to dinner and the movies first. Go directly to where you plan to have sex and get on with the fun.
Distance Yourself From Emotion Triggers
If you know that you have specific things that can bring on emotions, especially attachment, then distance yourself from these triggers as much as possible. Don’t put yourself in situations that can bring on emotions.
Eliminate Flirting and Foreplay
Some people even find that flirting and sexual foreplay can bring on emotional feelings. If this is you, it may be best to eliminate or at least limit flirting and foreplay. Just go right in for the sex. Or spend just moments flirting and with foreplay before diving in.
Eliminate or Limit After Sex Time With A Play Partner
Emotions can start to build after the sex has ended and you are just spending close time to someone you just had sex with. I’m talking about cuddling, laying in the bed nude, talking, catching your breath together, etc. It may be necessary to limit or eliminate after sex time with someone that is not your partner. Save that time for just you and your partner to connect emotionally.
Introduce Role Playing
Here is a novel idea to help with just having fun while having sex and keeping emotions a little more out of the equation. Why not role play during sex encounters?
You could all get together and plan out a role play scenario, or porn movie sex scene. Then act it out. You could even sit down and discuss things each of you would like to try and create a sex scene or role play scenario around those ideas.
Just have fun with this one and let your porn star or movie star out.
Introduce Sexual Kinks
You could try introducing kinks into your sex play to keep your mind busy with new sexual adventures instead of having regular sex. How about trying sex in a pitch-black room where you can’t see the person you are having sex with? How about trying out a glory hole? You could even blindfold anyone that tends to develop feelings for someone when they have sex with them. This way they really don’t see the person having sex with them. This works great in a group sex or orgy situation.
If you were going to have a MFM threesome, you could blindfold the woman and have the man invite one of her past playmates over without letting her know who it will be. This can actually raise the sexual experience of the woman way up the scale.
Have All Sexual Encounters at Swinger or Sex Clubs
One idea to help keep emotions in check is to have sex with other people only in a high energy sex environment like on-premise swingers clubs and sex clubs.
You tend to get more caught up in the moment and have a better chance of just having raw sex because you are simply horny. These types of clubs don’t really work well for more romantic encounters.
You could even go a little further and only play in the group sex or orgy rooms. If you decide to play with someone in a private sex room, you could always leave the door cracked or open to add voyeurism into the mix to keep your mind more on just having fun.
If You Suspect Jealousy
If you suspect jealousy in yourself or your partner, speak up. Don’t just keep it in. You need to communicate your feelings to your partner as soon as possible. Acknowledge and address your feelings of jealousy or insecurity openly.
It would also be a good idea to get with your partner and plan out ways to handle unexpected jealousy or insecurities before they even happen. Your goal is to manage these emotions before they can cause harm to your relationship.
Sometimes, all that is needed is to acknowledge the partner’s feelings and then let them know how much you love them. Be thankful to them that they opened up before it got much worse. You could also reassure your partner how much you enjoy experiencing new and exciting sexual encounters with other people with them as a team. The keyword here is team.
So, You Feel Your Partner Ignored You
The first thing to do is to remember that your partner could have accidentally ignored you without even knowing it. They could have simply been caught up in the throes of passion and lust. They simply could be in the moment and enjoying themselves. Feel compersion for them and if needed, let them know that you felt a little ignored, and then talk it out.
Distance Yourself When Needed
If you are feeling that you are catching feelings that are a little strong for a sex play partner, you may want to distance yourself from them until those feelings pass. You would then need to decide along with your partner if you should return to sexual encounters with that person again or not.
If you play with a friend, just keep in mind that if strong feelings do develop you may lose that friend. What is more important to you? A deep friendship or the romantic emotions you are feeling for them.
Have Reclaiming Sex
Here is a fun way to help keep emotions in check. Have reclaiming sex with your partner once the two of you are alone after having recreational sex with someone else. Reclaiming sex is very popular in the hotwife lifestyle but can also be used in the swinger lifestyle.
After the two of you are alone after a sex play date, simply enjoy each other sexually and romantically. Even if it’s just for a bit. Talk about the sexual encounter you just had as foreplay building up to pure passionate raw sex with each other.
Reclaiming sex can remind you about how much you love your partner, and the raw sex can be pretty fun too.
Reclaiming sex can be even more beneficial after one or both of you has played with someone else in separate rooms or even locations.
Take the time to at least talk about the sex play date you just had and hold and caress each other. If either of you is just to spent for full on sex, go as far as you can and then just spend some quality time with each other.
The Importance of Aftercare
It’s always a good idea to give each other a little aftercare once returned home or alone after a play date. Here are some examples of quality aftercare.
- Talk to each other about your sexual experience. What did you like? What did you not like? Did a sex play partner do something to you that really turned you on? Describe what they did to your partner.
- Discovered something you really enjoyed that you have never done before? Let your partner know. Then discuss it a little.
- Simply spend a little cuddle time with your partner.
- Give a little sexual attention to your partner while the two of you are alone and talking about your experiences.
- Give a little extra sexual attention to your partner for a few days after a sex play date.
I’m sure you can come up with a few more ways to provide each other with quality aftercare.
Seek Professional Emotional Help If Needed
If you do develop strong feelings that you just can’t seem to get under control, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Seek out a quality therapist or counselor and sit down and talk with them. They could possibly help you navigate your emotions, through the use of tools, strategies, and good old-fashion therapy.
Is Polyamory an Option?
If you do develop strong emotional ties to someone else, you could consider a polyamorous relationship. Depending on your situation and how open your relationship is with your partner, this could be an option to research and really look at closely.
You may want to even discuss with your partner how they feel about polyamorous relationships in general before you even start playing with sex play partners.
Who knows? The two of you may discover that you enjoy sex with others and enjoy having a love interest with more than one person. But this is a discussion for another day. I just wanted to mention it as a possible option to keep your existing relationship intact if what you are trying to avoid does in fact manifest. There are many very happy polyamorous couples in the swinger lifestyle.
Final Words
I hope that the strategies, tips, and tricks I just shared can be used by couples to help them enjoy the swinger lifestyle, while maintaining clear emotional boundaries, and keeping their primary relationship strong and sexually fulfilling.
And always remember, that the swinger lifestyle is about recreational sex. Love and sex are not one in the same.
