If you have been in the swinger lifestyle for a while, you probably have already run into situations that raise a big red flag. Or have been in a situation that later made you realize that you should have seen a red flag and either investigated the situation better or just ran away from it. If you are new to the lifestyle, get yourself prepared now to look for red flags that signal something is not right about a situation, or you may be entering an undesirable or even dangerous situation.
I’ll cover many of the situations that you will most likely run into while exploring the swinger lifestyle that should raise red flags that you should be aware of. When meeting or exploring the possibility of meeting new swinger couples or singles, you should always keep an eye out for things that just seem off. If your gut tells you something is not right, it’s most likely not. The more red flags you see in a particular situation the more likely you would be better off just not pursuing.
Before we move on to the most common red flags, let me make one thing perfectly clear. What would seem to be a red flag is not always one. Sometimes everything is perfectly on the up and up. When you see one, just try your best to investigate and determine if it’s really a red flag, or something that’s just really innocent. Don’t jump to conclusions and also use your gut feeling.
Let’s move on to the most popular red flags you will see in the swinger lifestyle.
You Go to Meet a Couple and Only the Male Half Shows Up
You set up a first meet with a swinger couple you found online. You are both excited to meet this new couple, that sounds like a great match for both of you. The two of you get all dressed up and head to the restaurant, nightclub, bar, or other location the four of you agreed to meet at.
When you arrive, you wait for the couple to show up. Suddenly you see the male half of the couple, but you don’t see the woman approaching you. You figure maybe she is further behind him or slipped to the restroom. When the male half arrives at your table and introduces himself, he says something like, the wife got called to work, or some other excuse for her not being there. He also says that she told him to come anyway so the two of us would not be disappointed, or some other crazy reason. Of course, a text message that they could not make it could not or was not sent for another crazy unbelievable reason.
What most likely happened, is either there is no wife, and it is a single male posing as a couple, or the wife has no idea that he is here basically trying to cheat on her.
If this ever happens to you, it should raise a big red flag that he is trying to fool you into a possible threesome. Don’t fall for it, unless it’s a male half of a couple the two of you have met before, played with before, and know both of them well enough to know if he is speaking the truth. But in a case like this, you would have most likely received a text message or a call from the male half explaining the situation and asking if you would like him to come alone anyway.
Husband With a Hall Pass or Wife Does Not Play Alone but Husband Does
You need to be very careful with this one. It could be he really does have a hall pass, but most of the time he does not. If you know the couple and have played with them both, it’s pretty easy to contact the wife and double check that it is OK for him to play alone. Now, let’s look at what can and often does happen that causes the big red flag to raise.
Some married men cheat on their wives, they setup a profile on a swinger site without the knowledge of the wife. He then claims he has a hall pass to play alone. Many claim since they are travelling that they have a hall pass, when in fact all they are doing is cheating on the wife.
If you ask to speak to the wife, most claim she is not available, or he does not want to disturb her. If you do get the wife on the phone, or in chat, it will most likely be someone posing as their wife. Since you don’t know the couple personally, you just don’t know.
A variation of this one is the man stating that his wife does not play alone, but he is allowed to. Some single men even set up fake couple’s profiles and try to pull off this hall pass scam.
Here is what we personally do when this red flag pops up. We let the guy know that we are open to playing with a guy that has a hall pass, but only if we have played with both him and his wife a few times in the past. This makes it easy to ask the wife if she has in fact given him a hall pass or not.
Only One Partner Plays
When you contact a couple and they tell you that only one partner plays, the bottom line is they are not swingers. What they are telling you may be true that only one of them plays. But this one should still send up a big red flag that you need to pay attention to.
Before playing with just the one person, make sure you get to know that person’s partner a bit. Is he or she really OK with it? Do they even know about the other’s extra marital affairs? It could also be that the partner that does not play is afraid of losing their partner if they don’t allow them to play alone with others.
Regardless of what the reason is, or is not, proceed with caution.
Wife Is Not Interested in Playing With Another Male
Swinging is really about partner swapping for recreational sex. When you hear a couple claim that the wife is not interested in playing with another man, the bottom line is that they are not swingers. What they are saying very well could be true, that she is not wanting to play with other men. This one should still raise a red flag that you need to investigate a little further and then decide if their play style is OK with both of you.
Many times, when you run into a couple that claims the wife does not play with other men, one of the following is true. Note that I said many times, not all the time.
Wife is really an unwilling participant and is not interested in the swinger lifestyle at all.
The man is the jealous type and does not want any man besides him touching his wife. It’s fine that he can touch other women but no touching his woman.
The woman is not into swinging but is bisexual and wants the touch of other women but not other men.
She gets pleasure through compersion by seeing her husband enjoying sex with other women.
A lot of the time it’s just the man looking for an FMF threesome and his wife just goes along with it reluctantly.
The Person Smells Bad, or Does Not Take Care of Themselves
This red flag really speaks for itself. If someone shows up with possible intent to get up close and intimate with you, and they smell bad, or look like they don’t take care of themselves, would you want to have sex with them? Let alone spend time with them up close?
If someone does not take care of themselves, they may not even know if they have any sexually transmitted diseases or infections. In my opinion, this is a HUGE red flag.
Shows up in Inappropriate Attire for the Place You Are Meeting
I don’t know about you, but when we go to meet a new couple or go to a swingers club, we dress to impress to hopefully build sexual attraction with the other swingers we meet. After all, swinging is about recreational sex with others. I sure want to be sexually attracted to the others I play with. And I want them to be sexually attracted to me.
Now that you know my standing about dressing nice, let’s move on to the actual red flag event. That being someone shows up for a first date that is dressed in inappropriate attire for the place you are meeting. I’m talking about things like showing up in worn jeans and a T-shirt for dinner at a nice restaurant. Showing up in a three-piece business suit or formal dress to go to a bowling alley. Shows up in greasy work clothes. Etc. Or, they simply show up and are not dressed to impress you even the slightest.
This would send up a big red flag because if they don’t care enough to try to impress us like we are trying to impress them, do they really care about meeting new couples? Or are they out just for a quick fuck with anyone that will say yes? I don’t know about you, but my wife and I are far from desperate to have sex with just anyone that is willing.
Short Initial Messages, or Generic Messages
Always consider when you receive very short first messages, or generic one size fits all messages on a swinger site, a big red flag. The types of messages I am talking about are ones like, hi, let’s get together, let’s fuck, she’s beautiful, I’m available, etc. Also, the longer messages that are very general. Over time, you will even see the same person sending the same message to you over and over.
What these couples or singles are doing is known as fishing. They are sending out tons of very short or generic messages to see if they get a reply. It’s also known as throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks. Most likely the couple or person did not even read your swinger profile to learn a little about what you are looking for and what you are about. Many only look at your main profile picture and then send that very brief, or generic cut and paste message. They send out so many, they probably won’t even remember sending you a message and have to go to your profile to see who you are.
Bottom line about this big red flag is don’t waste your time even replying.
Messages That Only Acknowledge the Woman
This big red flag is actually a pet peeve of mine. As a couple that is active in the swinger lifestyle, we get this a lot. We get this from couples and single men. Especially from single men that are new to the lifestyle and really don’t understand what swinging is all about. What is it? Let me tell you.
You have an online couple’s profile, and you receive lots of messages that read as if they are messaging the female only. Totally ignoring the male half of the couple. Messages like; You are so hot. I want to fuck you for hours. Do you like anal sex? Are you available to meet me for drinks, gorgeous? I would love to fuck you. Basically, messages that use you and not she, like they are messaging a single female, not a couple. They act like the male half of the couple does not exist.
Now, if your online swinger profile says she plays alone or is a hotwife, this red flag may not apply to you. But if it does, what is happening is the couple or single clearly does not know what swinging is, or is trying to poach the wife.
Personally, when we see this big red flag, we ignore the message and delete it. If the person or couple keeps bringing up the big red flag, we block them.
Not Able to Chat With the Wife
This one should send you canceling a date or not even setting one up. This is a huge red flag. You find a couple that both of you are interested in meeting. You start planning to get together with the other couple. You then recommend that both of the wives chat on the phone or video chat so they can get to know each other a little. Then the excuses start. She’s not available right now, we can all chat when we meet. She does not like chatting on the phone. She is sick. She is working. She does not have the time. I think you see the pattern here.
What is most likely happening is that you are talking with a single male that is posing as a couple, or the wife has no clue that the husband is trying to set something up without her knowledge and then spring it on her as a surprise.
Before meeting a new couple for the first time, I would highly recommend that the wives chat on the phone before everyone meets. Women are very good at picking up things that seem off very quickly. One wife may quickly pick up on that the other wife is not really into swinging, or is being forced, or coerced to satisfy her husband’s sexual desires.
Always consider this one as one big red flag. If they don’t want to give out their telephone number, there are plenty of other ways for the wives to chat live and hear each other’s voices.
Crossing Boundaries Set
If you are meeting with or playing with a couple or single and have discussed boundaries and rules with them, you still need to watch out for this red flag. I will agree that some people do get caught up in the moment and accidentally cross a boundary or break a rule. If this happens, usually a quick no, or reminder of the boundary or rule is all it takes to get everything back on track.
Now, if someone ignores your reminder, or is repeatedly crossing boundaries and breaking rules, or even getting mildly aggressive about it, that should send up a big red flag. This also includes you and your partner. If one of you does the boundary crossing or rule breaking, that should also send up a big red flag.
Overly Aggressive Behavior
I’m not talking about heavy flirting, light appropriate touching, sexual comments or questions, or even getting just a little handsy while dancing, a little mild man handling, or even going in for a kiss at the appropriate time. What I am talking about is someone getting aggressive and not backing down when asked to, or told no.
If someone starts getting overly aggressive and making unwanted advances, trying to force you to do something, holding you to the point they are hurting you, or even telling you that you have to go through with something because you led them on, a big red flag should start waving. It’s also time to get out of the situation and leave. Overly aggressive behavior when not wanted is not OK.
If you can’t get away from someone being overly aggressive, try to get someone’s attention that can help you to get out of this unwanted situation.
One Person Seems Uncomfortable, Disinterested or Standoffish
When you meet a new couple, and one of them seems uncomfortable, disinterested or standoffish, this could be a red flag situation. Watch them both for a while and if it continues, I would end the date.
It may be one does not want to be there, or the date was actually sprung on them at the last minute. Simply thank them for coming, and excuse yourself. If the two of them are having marital issues, you don’t want to get involved.
Visible Tension Between Partners
If you are with a couple and see any signs of visible tension between them, that should raise a big red flag that you should end the date. Most likely they may have had a fight earlier, or one of them may not want to be there and was basically coerced or forced. Either way, it’s not going to be a good date. Just end it, and the two of you go have your own fun.
Asking for Photos Excessively
If you have been in the lifestyle for even a little period of time, you have most likely already run into people online that message you, wanting a password to your private photos. They may even send you a password to theirs first. Then, when you look, you don’t really see any photos that need password protecting, or only two or three photos. If this was a first contact, personally I would not send them the password to a private gallery until I was sure we were all going to meet in person. Even then, I would be cautious. After we met, and played, and all got along, sure I would then.
When someone keeps asking to see more and more photos without even getting to know you, that should raise a big red flag that you are dealing with a photo collector that has zero intention of ever meeting you in person. These photo collectors are not swingers. Just pass them by.
People Refusing to Show Face Pictures Before Meeting
I was not sure if I should add this one to the red flag list or not, as some people may be in positions that if a recognizable picture got out, they could have business or personal problems. The red flag being swingers that refuse to show face pictures before meeting in person. First, how are you going to recognize them when they show up? Second, how would you know if you really wanted to meet them or not? I’ll give my personal opinion on this one. You can decide for yourself if no face pics is a red flag or not.
The couple or person could be on the up and up, but it would be a royal pain to determine if you really wanted to meet them. Swinging is about recreational sex. Looks do play a big part in the lifestyle. Without seeing face pics, you don’t know if they are attractive to you or not.
If a couple or single can’t show face pics, they are more likely to demand extreme discretion. It could be way too easy to slip up and not be as discrete as they demand and then freak them out.
In my personal opinion, it’s just not worth meeting them, unless you just happen to be going to the same swinger club on the same night. Then just tell them to say hi to you. No commitments, no promises, no date.
Couples or Singles Arriving That Don’t Look Like Their Photos Weight, Age, Etc.
If you have been in the lifestyle for a good amount of time, you have probably already run into the red flag. You look at a couples or singles pictures online and decide that you want to meet them. You set up a date and they show up. One problem though. They don’t look anything like their pictures. I’m not talking about small changes like hair color, hair style, or even facial hair changes.
One or both could be 50 pounds heavier, they look 20 years older than their pictures, they look nothing like their pictures, and you quickly realize the pictures they posted were not of them. A new thing that is happening now is that some couples and singles are using AI to enhance their pictures to make themselves look more sexually appealing than they are in real life. I have even heard of some males using AI to make their manhood look twice as big as it really is.
Sometimes this happens from pure laziness about keeping their pictures updated. But in the end, this is pretty much deception and false advertising regardless of if it’s intentional or not. Keep an eye out for this big red flag. You will eventually run into it if you are active in the swinger lifestyle.
Spotting or Picking up on Any Jealousy
If you spot anyone, including your spouse getting jealous, you are best off ending the date right then. Jealousy does not make good bed partners and can quickly ruin a marriage. Consider picking up on any jealousy at all as a big red flag.
Unicorn Hunters Trying to Poach a Spouse
We get this one a lot. Mostly new swingers that are looking for a single female only for threesomes. Well, they think they are swingers. They just don’t understand what swingers are. Now, there is nothing wrong with looking for that elusive unicorn for FMF or FFM threesomes. What I am talking about is couples that go about it all wrong. Let me explain.
These unicorn hunters will wait until they see the female of the couple alone and then approach her trying to get her to have a threesome with them, without her husband being present. What they are attempting to do is poach the wife of a couple. This seems to be extremely popular with new couples saying they just want to test the waters with a female and not a male. This should raise a big red flag when this happens to you. Just smile, let them know that the two of you are real swingers, and walk away. Unless the two of you also practice the hotwife lifestyle, or playing separately is your thing.
What I am talking about is when the couple makes the approach while avoiding the male half. Not when they honestly just ask if the two of you ever play alone. Most of these unicorn hunters don’t stay in the lifestyle, once they realize that the hunt for that elusive unicorn, or couple that will allow them to poach the wife, is almost impossible to find.
Excessive Drinking or Pressure to Drink
This one should be an instant red flag. If you meet a couple or single and they are or end up drinking alcohol excessively, you should instantly see the big red flag. I’m not talking about having an extra drink or two and someone getting a little tipsy, I am talking about someone getting shit faced drunk.
First thing you need to keep in mind is someone that is drunk can’t give consent. And never go by their partner saying that it’s OK, they won’t mind you having sex with them. Don’t open yourself up to possible legal troubles. Most males can’t perform when they are drunk. They may think they can, but it’s usually a disaster. And some people will do things they would never do when not drunk. You don’t want to be in a position of doing something with someone that they later regret.
Another reason to end a date early if someone gets drunk is they are most likely to be too nervous to swing or may not really want to when they are sober.
Another thing to watch out for is one partner trying to get the other partner drunk. If you see that, they may be trying to psychologically forcing the other partner to perform.
Also watch out for if someone you just met is trying to get you or your partner drunk or pressuring one or both of you to drink more and more. They may have bad intentions and trying to get one of you to do something you really don’t want to do.
When you see this type of behavior, it’s best to just end the date right when it starts.
Catfishing
I’ll explain what catfishing is and you will immediately understand why it is a big red flag you need to pay attention to.
Catfishing is when someone creates a fake swinger profile to try to trick others. This is a big problem on swinger membership sites. When you encounter one, just report it to the websites support.
People use these fake profiles to collect pictures while pretending to be real swingers. These fake profiles are also used to scam people. One of the most popular scams is when you contact one, and when you go to set things up to meet them, the person says that you need to join so and so membership site to prove who you are to them. Or, that they only keep their photos on so and so site for security. Of course, it’s almost always an affiliate link they give you, so they make money when you fall for it.
Another common scam is you think you are chatting with a unicorn, and she wants to meet you. Then she explains that she has to hire a babysitter but currently does not have the money. They then ask if you would send them the money. I even heard of one saying that they needed a plane ticket to come see the couple. The couple fell for it and sent the scammer the money. A day later, the catfishing profile disappeared.
Watch out for these scammers, and posers, and raise that big red flag high.
Final Thoughts
I hope reading through the most common red flags you may encounter while enjoying and exploring the swinger lifestyle has helped with knowing what to keep an eye out for. Hopefully you will be able to spot a problematic encounter or situation and avoid it faster and easier. Swinging is a wonderfully fun and exciting lifestyle. Avoiding red flags makes it even that much more exciting.
