Let’s admit it. We all make mistakes from time to time. Especially when doing something very new to us. Well, swinging is no different. I’ve put together a list of 15 of the most common mistakes first time swingers make.
Hopefully, reading about them will help you to not make any of these common mistakes when first entering the swinger lifestyle. And without further ado, here are 15 of the most common mistakes made by new swingers, in no particular order.
Not Taking the Time to Really Learn About the Swinger Lifestyle First
Not taking enough time to really learn about the swinger lifestyle beforehand is one of the most common mistakes first time swingers make. Many just jump into the lifestyle feet first without first really learning what it’s truly about. Some new swingers even assume that swinging is just wild anything goes with anyone you want sex parties. I’ll admit, some very private gatherings can be wild anything goes sex. But these gatherings are usually held by a group of friends that all know each other very well. The vast majority of parties are not like that at all.
Before you enter the swinger lifestyle for the first time, do your research. Learn about the history of swinging, the lingo swingers use, typical swinger club rules, swinging etiquette, etc. Just hop online and read swinger blogs, and articles. Take the time to really learn what swinging is really about. Browse and read the articles we have on this magazine about beginning swinging.
Another good way to learn about swinging, and what to expect, is to find a swinger couple that has been in the lifestyle to introduce you to what it’s really about.
Another great place to learn more about swinging is online swinging communities. You can join in conversations about swinging to learn more. Online swinger communities are also a great place to ask questions.
Really take your time while learning about the swinger lifestyle before you jump in. You will be very glad you did.
Thinking That Swinging May Fix Your Troubled Relationship
I’ve heard of so many couples wanting to get into swinging thinking it’s going to fix their troubled relationship. Most are no longer together or have even more relationship problems now. Never go into swinging thinking that it’s going to magically fix your marriage or relationship.
Swinging can brink on serious jealousy problems if your marriage or relationship is not on solid ground. So, if swinging does interest both of you, make sure you have a rock solid relationship first.
Swinging can enhance a relationship by leaps and bounds. But it can ruin one if the relationship is not strong to begin with.
Drinking Way Too Much Before Swinging
This is a big one, and I’ll admit I have personally been guilty of it. Never drink too much alcohol before playing. Especially if you are a male. Your first several swinging experiences can be nerve racking and a little scary. This is totally normal. But don’t try to drink your courage. It almost always ends in disaster.
Guys, I speaking to you now personally. If you drink too much, you will most likely have a very difficult time getting and maintaining an erection. This is a quick way to end what could have been a fun swinger experience before it really gets started.
Know your alcohol limit. In fact, drink a little less, since you will also be adding in stress to the equation the first few times you swing.
Drink slowly and pace yourself. A few drinks can relax you. But one too many and the swinging game is over before it gets started.
Not Having Yes and No Code Signals About Swinging
Picture this. You’re new to swinging. A couple approaches you and introduces themselves. They sit down and the four of you chat a little. The conversation moves to sex. Now, how do you check with your partner to see if they want to play with them or not? Or how do you let your partner know you are interested in playing with the couple or not?
New swingers get themselves in predicaments where they play with a couple only to later find out that neither partner was interested in them sexually at all. This is not a good position to be in and can lead to one or both of you quickly exiting the lifestyle.
Always have a way to signal your partner that you are interested in playing or are not interested. Just think of a way that you can give your partner a yes or no answer with only visual cues.
If you’re not creative and both carry your cellphones, one of you can excuse yourself to the bar or restroom, and then text your partner your thoughts.
Taking One for the Team While Swinging
This is another newbie swinger mistake that can end in disaster. One of you wants to have sex with a couple, but the other is not sexually attracted to them, but swings anyway to make their partner happy.
Many times, this ends with the partner that took one for the team and had sex with someone that they had zero interest in, starts to think that the swinger lifestyle is not for them. They mention this to their partner, and they get upset that they don’t want to stay in the lifestyle.
Always be honest with yourself. If you are not attracted to someone, don’t just have sex with them to make your partner happy. Find a couple that you both are sexually attracted to.
Using the Word Hot and Wife Together in Swinger Profiles
This newbie swinger mistake is sometimes funny when it happens. But it can cause a lot of confusion and misunderstandings between you and other swingers. Be very cautious when you put the word hot in front of the word wife when creating swinger profiles. Let me first give you some examples. Then I’ll give you a brief explanation of why it can be a newbie mistake.
She is very hot and sexy.
She is a hot wife.
In the swinger world, the first example means that the woman is very attractive. You may think the second example means the same thing. You could mean it to, but others may read it as the two of you are in the hotwife lifestyle.
A woman that is considered a hotwife, is free to play with other guys pretty much all she wants. Her husband or partner even encourages her to do so. In the traditional hotwife lifestyle, the guy does not have an open relationship while the woman does.
See why it’s important to be careful when using the word hot and wife together now?
Not Being Prepared to Deal With Any Jealousy When Swinging
Many new swingers think that neither of them will get jealous when they start swinging. Don’t make this big first-time swingers mistake. Always plan how to handle any jealousy that may crop up. Talk about it a lot and decide together how you would handle the jealousy issue.
The problem with jealousy is that you never know if it’s going to pop up until it does. Do you personally know everything that could possibly make you jealous? Now be honest with yourself.
Let me give you an example of what could happen. The two of you may not ever feel jealous watching someone else have sex with your partner. Then suddenly, they smile at each other, and start kissing. The sex did not make this hypothetical couple jealous. But the kissing did make one jealous.
You need to be ready and have planned how to handle jealousy no matter how small it is.
Not Fully Agreeing on Rules and Boundaries Before Swinging
Many first-time swingers talk about rules and boundaries. But they never really sit down with each other and actually make sure they are both in agreement as to what their rules and boundaries will be. Sometimes they hear their partner talking about a rule or boundary they want both of you to have, but don’t fully understand it. Make sure you both fully understand any rules and boundaries the two of you agree on.
Now, let’s look at the flip side of having rules and boundaries. Many new couples set way too many and end up not enjoying the swinger lifestyle at all. So, be careful of setting any rules or boundaries that could hamper both of your enjoyment. If you have way too many rules, swinging may not be for you.
Make sure the rules and boundaries the two of you agree upon are short and concise. When you go to play with another couple or single, you’re going to need to convey these rules and boundaries to them without killing the sexual desire and tension that has built.
Not Being Prepared to Handle Any Performance Anxiety While Swinging
This first-time swinger mistake sadly happens quite frequently. The couple meets another couple or single, and they decide to play. Then, when it comes time to perform, the male has a hard time getting or maintaining an erection, or the female is too nervous to get sexually excited enough to have pain free sex.
What makes this even worse is that getting nervous and anxious about it, makes it even worse. Then the person having performance anxiety gets embarrassed, and that makes it even worse.
Make sure you both have a plan on how to handle any performance anxiety that pops up while swinging. Performance anxiety can pop up at any time. Even well-seasoned swingers have it happen once in a while.
Having Sex With Someone Even Though There Is No Sexual Chemistry
Many first-time swingers enter the lifestyle expecting to meet someone and have sex with them right away. They then quickly discover that they actually have to find another couple or single that is sexually interested in them. When this does not happen very quickly, they start to feel desperate.
Once this desperation sets in, the problems begin. They end up having sex with someone out of desperation instead of out of sexual chemistry. Desperation can lead to making bad choices in the swinger lifestyle. If you are new to swinging, be patient. Find couples and singles where everyone has sexual chemistry. It may take some time. Don’t get desperate if it does not happen as fast as you would like. It’s worth the wait.
Having sex with the wrong couple or single as your first swinger experience, can, and many times does, turn new couples against swinging.
Not Keeping Communication Going With Your Partner About Swinging
Couples new and old, should always have an open line of communication going between them. It’s a major part of being a couple. Sadly, many new swingers forget to keep the communications open as they both venture into uncharted territory. This can lead to many unexpected problems between the couple.
Always communicate your thoughts and especially feelings about swinging on an ongoing basis. Things change over time, and so do each of your swinging lifestyle desires, expectations, and concerns. Take the time on a regular basis to just sit down and talk about swinging. Express your thoughts, both good and bad, with your partner. Also listen to your partner’s desires, expectations, and concerns.
You’ll find that what you truly want out of swinging changes over time.
Having Fantasy Expectations When Entering the Swinger Lifestyle
Some first-time swingers enter the lifestyle with the expectation of hooking up with a perfect 10 couple, or a very sexy unicorn. Some even enter the lifestyle expecting to only play with women, and not the men. The majority of these types of newbie swingers usually end up leaving the lifestyle claiming that nobody wants to play with them.
Now, I’m not saying that super-hot sexy couples and singles don’t exist in the lifestyle. In fact, they do. The problem is that you may or may not be what they are looking for. You have to always keep in mind, sexual chemistry is formed through visual sexual attraction, or personality sexual attraction. In a nightclub environment, most sexual attraction is visual. If you get to know other couples over time, personality sexual attraction can occur, and does.
I’m just going to be blunt here. I don’t know of any other way of saying it. If you are an average looking couple, you’re going to visually attract other average looking couples. If you want to attract a certain level of couple or single swinger, do what it takes to become attractive to them.
Since this is important, let’s put it another way. If you want to attract perfect 10 couples and singles. Become a perfect 10 yourself. Or at least someone that they would be attracted to. The better you take care of yourself, and the better you make yourself appear, the more couples and singles will be initially attracted to you.
Bottom line is; if you don’t take care of yourself, don’t expect to attract others that do take care of themselves. This is actually why one of the benefits to the swinger lifestyle is that it motivates many couples to start taking care of themselves and trying to look their best in all walks of life. Not just while swinging.
Expecting to Not Have to Approach Other Couples When Swinging
Many new swingers fail to treat a swingers club or swingers party like they are going to a nightclub. That may need some explaining. When you go to a regular nightclub to meet new people, you need to look approachable, and also do your share of mingling and approaching others. The same goes for swingers clubs and parties. You need to actually mingle.
If you just sit in the corner looking nervous, the odds of another couple approaching you is little to none. Many new swingers expect to not have to approach others, and that they will be approached by other couples. If everyone thought that way, nobody would be approaching each other and possibly heading to the playrooms together.
New swingers need to do just as much approaching as seasoned swingers. If you are shy, you’re going to need to overcome that as quickly as you can. That is, if you want to really enjoy the swinger lifestyle.
Getting Possessive of Couples and Singles You Have Played With
Some new swingers, until they actually learn what the swinger lifestyle is all about, get attached to and possessive over some people they play with. Getting a little attached is fine. But getting possessive over them is a big problem.
If a couple you played with is not in the mood to play, or don’t want to play with you anymore, don’t take it personally. Things and situations change all the time in the swinger lifestyle. When you play with a couple, they are not committing to playing with you over and over. Many couples in the lifestyle prefer the one-night stands and are not looking for an ongoing relationship. On the flip side, many swingers are looking for great friendships that include benefits.
Also, NEVER get upset when someone you play with plays with others. The swinger lifestyle is NOT about owning someone. It’s about freedom to choose your sex partners from day to day. Don’t expect a swinger couple or single to be exclusive to you.
Taking Rejection Way too Seriously in the Swinger Lifestyle
Yes, rejection can hurt or at least sting a little. But new first-time swingers have a tendency to take rejection personally. It’s part of the game. You are going to be rejected by some and accepted by others. It’s pretty much about the same as the dating scene. Except, most swingers are a lot more polite about rejection.
In the swinger lifestyle, you will make new friends. You will meet some that all of you have sexual chemistry and play. You will also meet some that don’t feel sexual chemistry with you, or you with them.
If someone rejects you with a simple no thank you, don’t try to get them to explain why they don’t want to play with you. In the swinger lifestyle, no means no.
Have a Question About the Swinger Lifestyle?
Now you know some of the most common mistakes first time swingers make. hopefully you will now be able to not make any of them yourself. I’m sure many of you may have questions about the ones I listed or have questions about the swinger lifestyle in general. If you do, please feel free to go to our contact page and send us your questions. We try to do our best to answer all submitted questions in our swinger lifestyle newsletter. So, make sure you take a moment and subscribe.
