I don’t know a single couple that was not nervous when first venturing into the swinger lifestyle. It’s completely normal and expected.
The two of you are doing something for the first time that is most likely going to be way outside your comfort zones.
Your first-time experiences in the swinger lifestyle can be both exciting and nerve wracking.
There are ways to help combat your nervousness and bring it down to a manageable level. I’ll be giving you information and ideas on how to do just that.
I’ll be covering how to lower your nervousness starting before you even go to a swingers club or to meet a couple for drinks. I’ll also explore with you how to calm your nerves when attending a swingers club, meeting a couple for drinks, while actually having sex with another couple, and the importance of aftercare.
How to Calm Your Nerves Before Going to a Swingers Club or Meeting a Couple
Keeping your nerves under control starts before you even step inside a swingers club or go to meet a couple for drinks.
Let’s look at several things you and your partner can do to prepare yourself for the sexual adventure you are about to take.
We will be looking at what you need to talk about together, how you should have realistic expectations, setting ground rules together, being prepared for an outflow of emotions, creating an exit plan, and grooming. We will also look at how you should go into this adventure to just have fun.
The Two of You Need to Talk
Before you even go to a swingers club or meet another couple or single for drinks, the two of you need to sit down and have a conversation. You need to discuss with each other what you individually want to get out of the experience of swinging with another couple or single.
Really dig deep on this one. Are you after the feeling of a first date or first sexual experience? Are you wanting to be able to experiment with different sex acts? Do you want to make close friends that you can share sexual experiences with as well as non-sexual experiences?
Do you want to see your partner having sex with someone else? Do you want to watch your partner having sex with someone of the same sex?
Do you want to experience just raw unadulterated sex or very intimate sex with someone other than your partner?
The two of you really need to think this through and determine exactly what each of you want to get out of a swinger sexual experience.
Have Realistic Expectations From the Start
When you go to a swingers club, swingers party, or you go out for drinks with a couple you met online, don’t go in with unrealistic expectations.
Go in with the intention to possibly make new friends. Many times, swinger couples will like you as friends, but not sex partners. Not all couples that meet feel the spark and chemistry needed to want to have sex with each other.
If you all feel chemistry, that’s great. If not, you could still make some new friends.
Now here is a big one. Some first-time swingers think going to a swinger club or sex is an open invitation to have sex with anyone they see at a party. It’s not that way at all. It’s not like being on the set of a porn movie about a huge anything goes orgy.
A swinger club or party may have an orgy room. But it will have specific rules you have to follow. It’s never an open invitation to just touch someone without their permission.
Also realize, you may not even meet a couple and have sex with them when you go. Many swingers like to get to know other couples before swapping sex partners.
Set Your Ground Rules for Sexual Interactions
Make sure you and your partner have sat down and agreed on what your ground rules for sexual interactions with others will be. This is a big one. You don’t want to be nervous because you don’t know if it’s OK to do something or not.
For example, you and your partner are dancing with another couple. What if they try to kiss you or place a hand on your butt? Is it going to be OK with your partner?
Will the two of you be allowing full swap or soft swap only? Will you be only having same sex partner swapping or separate room partner swapping?
Make sure you have all your rules agreed upon by both of you before going to a club, party or meeting a couple for drinks.
Be Prepared for Emotion Overload
Be prepared to feel all types of emotions when you first venture into swinging. Realize that it is totally normal to feel scared, excited, anxious, overwhelmed, and even jealous.
You need to be prepared to help each other through any emotions that surface. Don’t try to hide them. Let your partner know if you are feeling any negative or positive emotions. The two of you are a team. You need to help each other through any emotions that surface.
Make Sure You Have an Exit Plan
Hopefully your first swinger experience will be something you both enjoy and cherish. But sometimes things just don’t work out. So, make sure you have an exit plan and both of you agree to follow it.
If one of you is not comfortable at all and find that swinging is not for you, the other partner must respect that choice. Or, one of you may just not feel comfortable or safe with a particular couple or single person. You need a way to communicate this to your partner so you can exit the situation together.
You can have a phrase you say to your partner that conveys that it’s time to make an exit. The phrase should be something both of you will recognize immediately.
Here is an example phrase. Oh, before I forget, my sister called and needs us to help her pickup her car from the mechanic Tuesday.
You also need an exit plan. You can pretend you got a text message from your house sitter or babysitter. They are feeling ill, and you need to come home.
Your exit phrase and plan can be just about anything. Make sure the two of you have one.
Proper Grooming and Eating Before You Go
Many people get nervous about their appearance when first meeting new people. It’s the same when meeting swingers for the first time.
Make sure you are properly groomed. Groom like you are going out on a first date and want to impress your date. Don’t forget to groom and clean down below. Especially if you tend to sweat a lot.
Also, watch what you eat before you head out to a swingers event or to meet a couple for drinks. Stay away from any foods that could upset your stomach or give you gas.
The key takeaway here is to reduce the things that could make you nervous.
Don’t Forget It’s All About Fun
One last thing before we move on. Both of you should always keep in mind that one of your main intentions is to have fun.
The swinger lifestyle can be a very enjoyable experience. It can be extremely fun and exciting. What’s better? You get to make new friends and have sex with some of them.
Keep your attitude light and fun. That will help to keep your nervousness under control.
How to Calm Your Nerves While Attending a Swingers Club
When attending a swingers club for the first time, being nervous is going to be perfectly normal. The two of you are entering uncharted territory. In fact, a little nervousness can add to the excitement.
Let’s explore how you can calm your nerves during your first visit to a swingers club. Let’s look at alcohol consumption, how to breathe to calm your nerves, the importance of attending a new member orientation, how you can always say no, and socializing.
Be Careful With the Alcohol
I have seen way too many new swinger couples drink way too much and spoil what could have been a very good first experience. Never use alcohol to calm your nerves or get over your first-time fears.
Now there is nothing wrong with partaking the alcohol. Just pace yourself so you don’t get drunk.
You don’t want to find yourself with another couple getting ready to have sex and you can’t lay down because your head starts spinning and you start feeling like you are going to get sick.
Guys, too much alcohol is a quick recipe for not being able to get an erection. It’s usually hard enough to get an erection the first time you swing because of nerves. Don’t make it impossible by adding in too much alcohol.
Use Controlled Breathing to Calm Your Nerves
If you find your heart racing and your nerves acting up. Take a minute to calm them down. If you want, go into the bathroom to get yourself calmed down with controlled breathing.
Another good way to use controlled breathing is by dancing with your partner if a slow song is playing.
Here is what I mean by controlled breathing.
Take long slow deep breaths. Inhale slowly and exhale slowly. Concentrate on your breath. Keep repeating the long slow inhales and exhales until you feel your heart rate slowing back down to normal.
This type of controlled breathing has a nice calming effect on the body. And concentrating on your breathing helps to calm the mind.
Don’t Skip New Member Orientation
If you are going to a swingers club, check and see if they have a new member orientation. If they do, make sure the two of you attend. It will help a lot with calming your nerves. If they have one, don’t skip it!
Most clubs do have an orientation for new members, they cover the club rules, what is allowed, and what is not. Many also talk about the swinger lifestyle and how it has benefited them.
At the end of the orientation, don’t be afraid to ask questions. The more educated you are about swinging and the club, the more fun you will have. You will also me a lot less nervous when you go to mingle with other party guests.
You Can Always Say No
One of the most important words in the swinger lifestyle is “NO.” Real swingers will understand and except that no means no. In fact, most clubs have a no means no rule. If you are being pushed or harassed sexually by another guest and you have told them no politely, and they don’t back off, contact someone that works at the club and tell them. Most clubs will kick them out if they continue not excepting no as meaning no.
On the reverse, if someone tells you no, except it and move on. Don’t ever get pushy.
If for some reason a club you attend does not have a no means no rule, leave. You don’t want to be there, especially as new swingers. A few clubs do have anything goes areas. If they do, stay clear of those areas while you are new to swinging. Unless that is what the two of you want.
Don’t Be Afraid to Socialize
When you are attending a swingers club or party, don’t be afraid to just go around and introduce yourselves to the other guests. It’s expected and you will meet a lot of nice people.
Let everyone know that this is your first time visiting the club or that you are new to swinging. You will find a lot of couples that will take you around and introduce you to the couples they know.
Some clubs have a badge or sticker they give to new members to wear. It lets everyone know this is your first time at the club or you are first time swingers. It also let’s everyone know that you two may just be a little nervous. Most swingers will go out of their way to help newbies enjoy their first few visits.
Many couples would love to continue wearing the new member badge or sticker because it gets you a lot of special attention.
How to Calm Your Nerves When Meeting a Swinger Couple
Let’s now look at ways to help keep your nerves under control when actually meeting another couple for possible group sex or partner swapping.
We’ll explore best seating options, talking and getting to know them, discussing the topic of sex, dancing to calm the nerves, and what to do if you are all getting along well.
Best Seating Option When Getting to Know Swingers
When you first meet a swinger couple it makes it a lot easier to get to know them if the two guys sit across from each other and the two girls sit across from each other. This way the four of you are sitting boy, girl, boy, girl.
This seating arrangement allows you to easily talk to the person of opposite sex you are getting to know. It also allows you the comfort of having your partner beside you.
If one of you gets a little too nervous your partner can make physical contact with you to help calm you down or distract you. Having your partner just placing a hand on your upper thigh can help to calm nerves.
This seating arrangement also allows for a little physical contact with the other person and makes it easy to flirt with them.
What could be a better start than having your partner and the other person of the opposite sex both having their hands on your thighs in a flirtatious way?
Talk and Get to Know the Other Couple
It does a lot to calm your nervousness when you actually take the time to get to know the other couple. Talk to them like you are out on a first date. Basically, you are.
Find out what they like to do for fun that has nothing to do with sex. Really get to know them. Find things that you have in common.
If the four of you seem to be hitting it off well and are enjoying each other’s company, make sure you let them know or remind them that you are new to the lifestyle and are having some jitters.
If they are a good couple, they will help you to get over the jitters and relax. Getting to know a couple first, will make you a lot less nervous if the four of you do decide to have group sex or swap partners.
If you find yourself with a pushy couple, it would be best to use your exit plan and call it a night. You don’t want your first experience to be a bad one.
Topics to Discuss Before Having Sex With Another Couple
If the four of you are getting along great, and the topic of having sex with each other, either in a group sex situation or swapping partners for sex comes up, here are a few topics the four of you should discuss before hopping in bed.
If this is your very first time, make sure the other couple know this so they can make allowances and hopefully help the two of you to relax and just enjoy the experience.
Talk about your expectations and theirs. Discuss what the two of you enjoy and find out what they enjoy.
Make sure you mention any boundaries or limits the two of you have. Ask them about theirs also.
If the two of you are only willing to soft swing, make sure that you mention it. If the two of you are open to full swap, mention that too.
Another topic you need to talk about is having sex in the same room or if having sex in different rooms.
Don’t forget to bring up the topic of protection. Let them know if the two of you require the use of condoms or not. Also find out if they require the use of condoms or not.
Later, after the two of you have more experience in the lifestyle, you can modify your rules or possibly even drop them all together. You will know when it’s time to revisit your rules, limits, and boundaries.
Dance to Calm Your Nerves
If the club or place you meet another couple has a dance floor, take advantage of it. Dancing can help to reduce your nervousness when flirting with another couple.
Don’t be afraid to ask the other couple’s partner to dance. In fact, both of you should ask the other couple’s partner to dance. It’s a great way to get to know them a little up close and personal. It also gets you used to touching someone a little intimately that is not your partner.
So, if the four of you are getting along great, get up and dance a few slow songs with the other couple’s partner.
If the other person is flirting with you, don’t be shy. Let your hands wander a little. If they respond well, let them wander a little more. Just don’t get pushy or aggressive.
Sparks and Chemistry
If there seem to be sparks flying a bit and you are feeling chemistry between the four of you, it may be time for the four of you to discuss leaving to go somewhere private for the rest of the evening.
If you are with an experienced couple, they will most likely bring up the subject and make recommendations on where the four of you can go. If they seem to be hinting at it, they may want the two of you to make the next move and ask them if they want to join the two of you for sex.
You have several options. You can invite the couple to your place, they can invite you to theirs, or you could get a hotel room. Just talk out your options and see what they would like to do.
If the four of you are at a swingers club, it’s just a matter of going to the play areas and finding an available room or bed, or even a corner of a bed or room. This is one of benefits of on-premise swingers clubs.
How to Calm Your Nerves While Sexually Playing With Another Couple
Now the big time comes. The two of you are actually going to have sex with another couple. Now we are going to add in excitement with the nervousness. This can be a recipe for a lot of fun or a disaster.
Let’s look at how to have fun and calm your nerves at the same time. We will look at how to get the sex started, possible performance issues, the importance of letting the other sex partner to know what you like and don’t like, and possible awkwardness.
Breaking the Ice and Getting the Sex Started
So, you decided to have sex with another couple. The four of you have gone to a suitable place for the four of you to have sex. Now your nerves really get the better of you. If one or both of you is just too nervous to jump in and start having sex, you can use some ice breakers to get things going.
You could do something as playing strip poker. You could also slow dance nude with each other. Either of these are great at helping to calm the nerves while still moving everyone towards sex.
There are many swinger games available that you can play. The best ones and easiest to carry are the dice games. You roll the dice, and the game tells you what you need to do. It’s usually like kiss the other person, suck on their nipples, finger or stroke the other person, etc.
Once you have relaxed, it’s much easier to move on to the actual group sex or partner swapping.
The Really Scary Sexual Performance Issues
Sexual performance issues happen to all of us on occasion. But I will admit, they can be very nerve wracking and cause you to panic. Of course, the panicking makes things even worse.
Let me address the guys first. If you are nervous or drank too much, it can be very difficult to get an erection or keep one. If it’s caused by alcohol, you just learned a valuable lesson. Don’t over-drink if you plan to have sex.
If it’s caused by nerves, you need to calm down. One of the best ways is to have your partner perform oral sex on you. O, even the girl you are trying to have sex with. Most guys can get an erection easier through oral sex. Just sit back and enjoy the sensations. Don’t concentrate on getting an erection. The less you think about it, the better your chance of getting an erection.
You could even have both of the girls helping. One could be giving you a blowjob while the other is sitting on your face letting you eat her.
Now for the women. If you find that you are to nervous too get aroused, have the guy or both guys give you a total body massage. The key is to relax. The more relaxed you are, the less you are in your head.
After you are very relaxed, move on to oral sex and see if you start getting aroused. Have the other guy or your partner rub the insides of your thighs while the other eats you or massages your pussy.
Another method you can try to reduce your nerves so you can get aroused is to watch your partner having sex for a bit. This could help you to relax enough to get in the mood for him to watch you having sex and enjoying it.
The bottom line is to find what relaxes you to calm your nerves and just have fun.
What if You Don’t Like Something Sexually?
The sex is going great, and you are having a great time. Then, they do something to you that you don’t enjoy or like at all. Don’t be afraid to let them know that you don’t enjoy it or you are not into what they are doing.
Communicate with the person or persons you are having sex with. Let them know when you are enjoying something and when you are not. Hopefully they will let you know the same.
When you tell someone, you don’t like or enjoy something they are doing, let them know how they can change what they are doing so you can enjoy it.
What if You Really Enjoy Something Sexually?
If something sexual really turns you on, don’t be afraid to let the other person or persons know about it.
If they are doing something that you really enjoy and quit to move on to something else, let them know how much you were enjoying what they were doing.
Having sex with someone new is a learning experience. You are both learning what the other person likes and dislikes.
Keep communication going when you are having sex with someone new. Well, that’s good advice to do with someone you have been having sex with for a long time too.
So, You’re Feeling a Little Awkward?
First time sex with someone new can and usually does feel a little awkward at times. Especially when you are learning what they like and don’t like. Now toss in some nervousness and you have what can be a very awkward situation.
All you have to do is keep in the back of your mind that this is totally normal. It will pass as you get used to pleasing your new sex partner.
What to Do After the Sexual Swinger Experience
Now that the two of you have had sex with another couple and hopefully had a great time, it’s time for a little aftercare. This is extremely important if you want to continue the swinger lifestyle with both of you happy.
Let’s look at talking to your partner after the sex, asking and discussing what they liked about the experience and what they did not like.
After the two of you have talked about the experience, it’s time to decide if the two of you want to continue in the swinger lifestyle.
Talk With Your Partner About the Experience
This is extremely important to do to help you be a lot less nervous the next time you go to a swingers club or meet a couple for drinks.
Sit down with your partner and actually talk about the experience the two of you just shared.
Talk about and discuss anything that pops into your head about it. Don’t clam up or be shy. Now is the time to really open up to each other.
You could even reminisce about the sexual experience you two had together.
Talk About What You Liked and Enjoyed
Both of you need to tell the other what you liked about the sexual encounter and what you really enjoyed.
Each time your partner brings up what they liked and enjoyed, talk about it a little. Open up to each other and even mention what could have made it an even more enjoyable experience.
Talk About What You Did Not Like and Enjoy
Make sure the two of you let the other one know what you did not like and enjoy. Discuss why you did not like or enjoy something. Be as specific as you can.
Also talk about what could be changed so you would enjoy something that you did not enjoy during this sexual experience.
Don’t skip this part. Both of you need to enjoy the sexual encounters. Not just one of you if the swinger lifestyle is to work for you as a couple.
Decide if the Two of You Want to Do It Again
Now that you know what your partner liked and did not like about the swinger experience, it’s time to have an honest talk with each other and decide if you want to continue in the swinger lifestyle and have another sexual adventure with each other.
Make sure you are both open to modifying what you try to make both of you happy. This is a team effort and adventure.
