Setting ground rules for swinging as a couple can be a very important step for couples just venturing into the swinger lifestyle.
Since the two of you may be venturing into uncharted territory, it’s a good idea to have some basic rules the two of you agree to abide by.
Let’s look at setting ground rules for swinging as a couple.
Setting ground rules for swinging as a couple is an important first step for new swingers. You both need to agree to the rules you set. Rules should not be one sided except for specific reasons you both agree on. Rules can change as you explore swinging so, revisit them from time to time.
Go get your partner and get comfortable. The two of you should read this article together so you can discuss what is brought up about setting ground rules for swinging as a couple as you go along.
Let’s get started.
Setting Ground Rules for Swinging as a Couple
Let’s look at some important factors when setting ground rules for swinging as a couple.
When coming up with your ground rules, the two of you need to have open and honest communications with each other. And never be judgmental of the other when having an open conversation about sex.
Why Rules and Limits Are Important
Setting rules and limits for swinging is important so that the both of you fully understand what each other are OK with and not OK with.
The setting of the initial ground rules for swinging as a couple is extremely important if the two of you are going to be first time swingers.
You want any rules you set to help build up the trust between the two of you as a couple.
You Both Need to Agree to Any Rules You Set
When setting your ground rules for sexual play, you both need to fully understand each rule or limit you set and fully agree to abide by them.
If one of you feels that you can’t follow a specific rule, you need to talk it out and either agree to follow it or to modify it to work for both of you.
Write these rules down. This way when you go back to revisit them, you remember exactly why these rules were in place.
Rules Should Not Be One Sided Except for a Very Good Reason
When making rules, they should apply to both of you equally.
The only time they should only apply to one of you and not the other is if you have a very good reason. Of course, you still need to agree to any one-sided rules you do decide that the two of you need.
Rules and Limits Can Change Over Time
You need to keep in mind that the longer you swing, the more your initial ground rules will change.
Most initial rules are set simply because a couple new to swinging may not want to cause jealousy in their partner or themselves.
As time passes, trust between you and your partner grows. As trust grows, you can start to change your rules to fit your new lifestyle better.
Also, over time you may find out that you set a rule because both of you were afraid to admit to the other about something you wanted to actually do while swinging.
You may also discover that the two of you agreed to a rule because you thought the other one wanted it.
So, expect your rules to change over time as you learn more about swinging and each other.
Do a Quick Review of Your Rules Before Swinging
People do forget things. It happens all the time. You should do a quick review of your rules and limits with each other each time you go out with the possible intent to sexually play.
It should only take a minute for the two of you to quickly recap the rules and limits you both agreed to.
Discuss Your Rules and Limits With Others
If you meet a couple or single and everyone decides to sexually play, make sure you discuss your rules with them. Also find out what their rules and limits are if they have any.
You don’t want to be having a really good time and have to stop to tell someone your rules. Do that before you start sexually playing.
Now let’s move on and explore some questions the two of you should ask each other when setting your rules and limits.
Important Questions to Ask Each Other When Setting Ground Rules for Swinging as a Couple
When setting ground rules for swinging as a couple you need to think them through carefully. One of the best ways to start is to ask each other questions that will help the two of you to plan out your ground rules and limits.
Start by asking each other the following questions. Take the time to really discuss each of them.
Both of you need to keep an open mind and be nonjudgmental when openly discussing swinging.
When it comes time to set your ground rules and limits for swinging, make sure none of them conflict with your answers to the following questions.
What attracted you to possibly becoming swingers?
Discuss what caused the two of you to be interested in swinging. Did you see something? Hear about swinging from someone? Was it a movie you watched? Do you have any friends that are swingers?
Make sure you both understand why the swinging lifestyle interests you. Knowing why you both are attracted to swinging will help you when setting your ground rules for swinging as a couple.
What do each of you want to get out of swinging?
Ask the question, what do each of you want to get out of swinging. Do you want to meet new friends? Do you want to have sexual relationships with other couples? Do you want to add a third to your sex life?
Are you or your partner bisexual or bi-curious? If so, do you expect being in the swinging lifestyle to help satisfy the bisexual urges?
Are you wanting to have sexual experiences that the two of you can share? Are you wanting to fulfill a sexual fantasy through swinging?
Do either of you ever feel jealousy?
This is a big one. If either of you ever feel jealousy, you need to really work through it carefully.
Jealousy can destroy an otherwise happy relationship.
Are there any particular things that make you feel jealous? Can that be worked around to still allow you to enjoy swinging?
Could you set a particular rule or limit that would eliminate or reduce the jealousy?
Do both of you feel sex can be recreational?
You really need to make sure that both of you believe sex can be recreational. Do you both enjoy having sex just for the pure enjoyment of the sex act?
Can you make sex a game that the two of you have fun with? Can sex with others be an adventure that the two of you can enjoy as a recreational event?
Do both of you feel love and sex are not inclusive?
This is another important question. Do both of you feel that sex and love are not one and the same?
Now there is nothing wrong with feeling that love can enhance sex and make love deeper. Sex plus love can’t really be beat by recreational sex.
Do the two of you firmly believe that recreational sex outside of love can add to your enjoyment and possibly bring the two of you even closer?
Really think through this question when setting your ground rules for swinging. You want to improve and enhance your relationship with swinging, not hurt it.
Have either of you ever wanted to experience a new sexual act?
When discussing this question between the two of you, do not be judgmental if your partner has an interest in a sex act that you don’t want to participate in.
If one or both of you are interested in experiencing a sexual act that you have not experienced, mention it. You may find that both of you are interested in a particular sexual experience.
Even if only one of you has an interest is something new, that’s perfectly fine. Swinging can give you the opportunity to explore new sexual experiences.
The types of experiences I am talking about would be group sex, gangbangs, threesomes, anal sex, double penetration, BDSM, etc.
If only one of you want a particular experience, maybe you could have your partner watch. This way they are still included.
If either of you do have new experiences you want to have, just make sure any rules or limits you set, allow for the new experience and not hinder it.
Do either of you fantasize about having sex with other people besides your partner?
This one may be a little scary to admit to your partner. But it is important for each of you to understand the other person’s desires and fantasies.
I have always loved the saying, die regretting something you did, not regretting something you did not do. If you end up not liking something you tried, at least you tried it.
If one or both of you have a fantasy, make sure you take it into consideration with setting your ground rules for swinging.
Do either of you enjoy a little pain? What levels?
This may seem like a strange question to discuss when setting ground rules and limits for swinging. But it’s an important one.
I’m sure you have heard the saying, there is a fine line between pain and pleasure. Most people’s pain enjoyment level moves higher as they become more sexually stimulated.
You need to discuss with each other when pleasure moves to pain. You also need to discuss if one or both of you enjoy moving past that fine line into pain during sex.
Set your rules and limits to allow for pain levels that you find appropriate. And in what situations that pain is OK and when it is not.
The key is to always keep an open dialog with your partner. When you think of something new about swinging, bring it up with your partner. Ask each other questions. Asking questions is a great way to learn more about your partner’s sexual needs and desires.
Now, let’s move on and look at several scenarios you may come across while swinging that you need to be ready for.
Swinging Scenarios to Discuss With Each Other When Setting Ground Rules for Swinging as a Couple
If the two of you are new to the swinging lifestyle or are just starting to explore the possibility of becoming swingers, you need to be aware of situations that could happen.
You need to plan for them as you come up with any rules or limits the two of you decide on for swinging as a couple.
Read through each of these possible scenarios and discuss how you would handle them. All of the scenarios I have included are common and the two of you will most likely encounter them.
If your partner was getting attention from someone and you were not. How would you feel?
Many times, a couple or a single will pay a lot more attention to one of you. This is very common in swingers clubs and bar settings.
If they were paying attention to your partner and pretty much ignoring you, how would that make you feel?
How could you change the situation? How could the partner getting the attention change the situation so both of you were getting attention?
Now keep in mind that if it’s just the women paying attention to each other, that happens very frequently. It does not mean you are not there. If the two women hit it off, you will eventually be brought into the conversation. Just let them get to know each other.
If it does bother you, talk it out with your partner and keep a situation like this in mind when setting your ground rules for swinging.
If your partner was invited to a threesome but you were not, how would you feel?
Many couples in the swinger lifestyle, especially couples new to the lifestyle look for single women to play with. Usually, the female of the couple is bisexual.
These types of couples will invite your partner to a threesome and want you to basically go away while they sexually play with your partner. Would you be OK with this? Or would you have a problem with it?
If you decide that the two of you only play as a couple, plan how to respond to a situation like this ahead of time.
Discuss how a situation like this would make you feel with your partner. Also keep situations like this in mind when planning your rules and limits.
If someone started groping your partner in front of you, how would you feel?
You are sitting at a table across from each other. A couple or single walks up behind your partner and starts talking to the two of you. Then, one of them places their hands on your partners shoulders and start massaging them.
Now, things change, they start playing with your partners breasts without any invitation to do so. How would you react?
Something like this does happen and you need to plan how to respond to someone groping your partner without an invitation to do so.
Discuss this situation with your partner and plan your ground rules with a situation like this in mind.
Someone crosses your limits or violates one of your rules.
Someone the two of you are sexually playing with can accidentally or deliberately cross the line of your rules and limits. How would you respond?
You basically have three ways to respond.
- You just let it continue and discuss the situation with your partner later.
- You remind the person crossing the line about your rules and limits. You did discuss them before you started playing with them, correct?
- You stop the sexual play completely.
I’m sure you can come up with many more ways to react.
Discuss what each of you should do if a situation like this does happen. Plan for this situation when setting your ground rules for swinging as a couple.
Your partner accidentally breaks a rule or crosses a limit in the heat of the moment. How will you handle it?
Everyone knows that accidents do happen. If in the heat of the moment, your partner breaks one of your rules or limits during a sexual encounter, how will you handle it?
Make sure you have discussed a situation like this and come up with a way to handle the situation.
Do you step in and stop what is going on? Do you let it happen and then discuss it later? Do you just ignore it? Each situation will most likely be different.
One thing you don’t want to do is make accidental rule breaking a get out of jail free card.
Really look at why it happened and adjust your rules and limits accordingly. Was it a little too much to drink? Was it almost at the height of orgasm?
Your partner deliberately breaks your rules. How will you handle that?
The two of you are having a great time and suddenly your partner deliberately breaks one of your agreed upon rules or crosses an agreed upon limit. I’m not talking an accidental incidence. I’m talking 100% deliberate.
I’m not going to even suggest how to handle this one. It’s going to depend on your relationship as to how to handle this type of situation.
Was it way too much alcohol consumption? Do you need to sit down and redefine your rules and limits?
Just get to the bottom of it and figure out why it happened. Then take it from there.
Just be aware that it can happen and plan your rules and limits accordingly.
Open communication is key to handling different types of situations that can define how your rules and limits need to be set or revisited from time to time.
Now let’s explore some things you really need to consider if you are new to swinging when setting your ground rules for swinging as a happy couple.
Things to Consider When Setting Ground Rules for Swinging if the Two of You Are New to Swinging
If the two of you are new to swinging you may want to consider the following when setting your ground rules.
Seasoned swingers revisiting their rules will also want to take the following considerations in mind.
Don’t Go Overboard With Your Rules and Limits
One thing many new couples to swinging do is to set way too many rules and limits. They end up not enjoying the swinging lifestyle because of the excessive rule they set. Don’t let your rules and limits become a hindrance.
On a side note, if you do end up with a long list of rules and limits, swinging may not be for the two of you.
Really think carefully when deciding on any rules or limits. Look at each rule and limit and decide if it is really necessary.
Only make rules and limits that are 100% needed for the two of you as a couple.
Keep All Rules and Limits Extremely Specific
This is another problem you need to look out for. When making your rules and limits, don’t go into great detail with each of them. Keep them very specific and to the point.
For example, if you decide that you will only play together, don’t go into detail about when you might not follow this rule. Just say, we only play together as a couple. If you decide to modify the rule, just talk it out first and then temporarily modify it.
Keep all the if, then, buts out of your rules. The two of you can use common sense in different situations.
The less you have to THINK about your rules and limits, the more fun you will have in the swinging lifestyle.
Handle Jealousy Quickly if It Does Crop Up
Always remember that jealousy can destroy a relationship. If jealousy ever rears its ugly head, it needs to be handled quickly.
If either of you every get even a little jealous, sit down and discuss it as soon as possible. Don’t let it fester and get to the point that the two of you are going to have a hard time dealing with it.
Small bouts of jealousy can be eliminated with good communication and understanding.
Don’t let jealousy ruin your adventure into the swinging lifestyle.
You and Your Partners Preferred Rules or Limits Don’t Mesh
You want to have particular sexual experiences and your partner wants completely different experiences. One wants to allow penetration and the other does not. One wants different room sex and the other only wants same room sex. One wants to be in a gangbang and the other partner is against it.
We are all human and have different likes and dislikes. It’s normal for us to want different things.
The above happens all the time to new swingers as well as seasoned ones. So, how do you handle it?
First thing to do is talk it out with each other. Find out why someone wants something and why the other does not.
Then, consider compromises and trade-offs. The idea is for both of you to experience what you want while not causing stress or jealousy in the other partner.
Design your ground rules and limits so both of you are happy. In some cases, it may be better to make a particular rule or limit slightly one sided. One sided rules can be OK if both of you agree.
Fear of Something New
When you are discussing possible rules and limits with your partner, one of you may have resistance against something the other wants to sexually experience or see you sexually experience.
What you need to do is really think about why you or your partner is resistant to something. Is it a dislike of something? Is it a jealous feeling driving it? Is it the fear of something happening?
Many times, you will find it really is nothing but the fear of something new.
Now that we have covered several considerations you needed to look at when setting rules, let’s look at some typical example rules for swinging.
We will start off with soft swing rule examples and then move on to full swing rule examples.
Soft Swing Ground Rules and Limits Examples
Here are some examples of rules that soft swing swingers set.
No Penile Vaginal Penetration With Others
This is usually the main rule and limit with new swingers that decide to start with soft swinging.
They only allow penetration with each other and not with other partners they are playing with.
They usually allow oral sex but not actual intercourse with others.
Will Only Play With Other Couples
Many soft swing swingers will only play with other couples. They are not interested in play with single males or single females.
Will Only Play With One Couple at a Time
Many swingers are only interested in sexually playing with one couple at a time. They are not interested in large groups or orgies while playing.
Will Only Play With Single Bisexual Women
Many new swingers that choose soft swing attempt to start off with only playing with single women that are bisexual.
Many of these new soft swing swingers go away from swingers clubs very disappointed.
Single bisexual women at a swingers club are called unicorns. They are very rare to find.
These couples then try to get a couple to allow the woman to play with them alone. Again, they usually leave the club disappointed.
There is nothing wrong with having this as a rule, just understand that it will hinder your swinging experience.
Most couples that are only looking for single women find them among the female partners friends. Not at swinger clubs.
Now that we have looked at some soft swing examples of rules and limits, let’s look at some examples of rules and limits for full swing swingers.
Full Swing Ground Rules and Limits Examples
Here are some full swing rules examples for the two of you to get ideas from.
Will Only Play as a Couple
Many swingers are not interested in playing alone or playing in different rooms. They will only play as a couple. Take them both or neither of them.
This is actually a popular rule among full swing swingers as well as soft swing swingers.
No Single Partner Play
Swinging is mostly about couples playing together. Of course, there are couples that prefer to play solo.
Many have a rule that they do not play alone. This rule is modified sometimes for certain situations.
No Separate Room Play
A couple that swings may enjoy all types of sex and have basically no rules except this one.
They may decide that they won’t allow separate room sex at all. Others may not allow separate room sex except for very specific occasions. Like swinger friends they have known for a long time that want to try separate room sex for a specific occasion like a birthday.
Will Only Play With Couples
Some full swing swingers will only play with other couples. Many will play with large groups or participate in orgies. But only if they consist of only couples.
No Rules or Limits
As trust builds between you and your partner and you find that the swinging lifestyle is benefiting you both, your rules may change.
Many swingers actually have no rules or limits. They are open to sexual adventures of all types. They are open to experimentation and entering unknown territory.
If you decide to go the no rules, no limit approach, just if something happens that bothers you, sit down and discuss it with your partner. Talk through it and then decide if you need to make a very specific rule to swing by as a couple.
No rules and no limits does not mean you don’t have sexual adventure preferences.